The Nameless

I am emotional. I fear, I cry, I scream, and I love; I find my world tearing apart. I have lost something so important to me that I don’t think I will recover. I find myself as a wraith, a whisper; a shadow. I can’t be here anymore. I find it so hard saying goodbye...what has become of me? I have sacrificed my heart for you, even when I asked you not to take it if you couldn’t care for it. I gave it to you so that you could grow and heal from the pain inside of you. But now I find myself so empty. There is nothing I can say or do to make this better, or to make this dream real. People warned me against you, but I saw you...the real you. The person you wanted to become, but I am left disappointed. You run away and I ask myself the same questions: Why am I not the one? Why am I not good enough? I ask these questions to numb the hole you have left in me. I blame myself for the pain. But the truth is you took my heart. You broke it. And you still won’t give it back.

What hurts the most is that you made me feel like I was deluding myself, and that I was the only one living in this fantasy. Yet, as warped as I am, and as imaginative as I have been, even I could not make up the feelings that were. I could not make up the times that we shared. Am I supposed to look at you and think that you wanted me to love you so that you could be stronger? Or that my heart was the one worth destroying so that you could find your way again? Am I supposed to believe that you did not care for me at all? If you ask this of me, then you are darker and colder than the pit I find myself in. It would be easy to say that this was all my doing and that I deserve better, but you should know. You should know how I went to bed at night feeling myself die more and more each day. You should know how your emptiness ravaged me. You should know how many times I prayed that this was all a bad dream and that you loved me. But twice you have denied be that which is mine...Now I am broken. I am not Christ; you will not deny me a third time. I need no Judas. As to you the pieces are too small to matter, but to me they do. They cut me so deeply every time I look at you. You think that by asking for space or by speaking to me as if you care that I will heal. I warned you about my love. I told you that it does not dwindle. You thought I was being dramatic, but here I am again. I lose again. I want to be the razor, the raging; the deep, dark demon that draws the dagger to your chest. But that is not me. I love you, but you don’t love me. You don’t love me because I am different. You don’t love me because you don’t want to change. You don’t love me because I am the person you will never be. You will never grow. You will always run. I was the one worth leaving and I was the one not worth sacrificing for. You will never tell people the truth and you will never tell me the truth. I am the fool.

I don’t care if you will never read this. And yes you have won. Yet in your winning you have lost somebody that you will never have access to again. In time you will regret this and you will understand the hurt you have caused. Yet I will not be there. Never again. I warned you.

This is not me trying to gain sympathy, or change your mind. This is not me showing you how much better I am. This is me. I am not wounded, I am broken. I accept that. This is all I am and ever will be. You have destroyed my faith in love. I won’t let anyone near again. I have grown tired of this story. I have grown tired of you.