Killer Heels

My female academics, this one is for you

Graduation, the time in every academic’s life where for under one minute you are acknowledged for your dedication, resolution, resilience and in some cases (with reference to myself of course) masochism in completing a tertiary programme. Yes, it is a ceremony to show off your best ‘proper-suited’ self to loved ones, fellow academics and of course (an ode all those bitches in your year) a chance to swansong. Yet, at times this swansong can go horribly wrong and you may find that your ugly duckling has turned into a screeching crow rather than an elegant swan.

I believe that Jane Austin had it right with sense and sensibility. Sense, is coming to the event in your best attire and majestically receiving the culmination of those long nights of endless studying, piles of red bull cans and ashes of your social life. Sensibility, is making sure you don’t end up wearing a shoe that

a) Deforms you.

            b) Causes you to look like you’ve saddles a horse for hours until death and now your body has set in rigamortis, but your zombie-self has taken over.

            c) You’ve been perma-cast for LMFAO’s Party Rocker’s Anthem: “Everyday I’m shuffling,” across the stage.

I know that this may sound mean, but really consider this; you are walking across an elevated stage with the odds stacked against you.

You are wearing a ridicules gown that is made to resemble a bat cape and has one sole purpose in life, to cause you to trip and fall.

The carpet or floor you’re about to cross is a deathly contraption. If it’s a carpet, it is either new, or hurled out for special occasions, meaning increased likelihood that the ‘special occasion’ is the debut of your unique and dramatic interpretation of tumbleweeds. If it’s a floor, you can bet that it has been waxed or oiled to perfection...you do the math. 

Lastly that nine inch heel may give you killer carves, but it might as well be nails in your coffin of shame. AND GUESS WHAT? It will all be caught on camera as well.

In addition, if you’re graduating with distinction for Community and Social Work degrees, for the love of pizza, do not wear a leopard-print miniskirt, fish nets and purple high-heels it sends out the wrong message if you know what I mean, Happy Graduating!